people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*