people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Natty or not?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
🗽
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.