people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
You Might Also Like
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print