people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
💯😂
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.