People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
White parent Vs Arab parents
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store