People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
