People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Knock Knock
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist