People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH