People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t