People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
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funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
asking santa clause for nudes
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor