People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
12653.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!