People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Danger is very dangerous
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.