People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
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A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities