Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

the pigeons are already plenty salty

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu