People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Sign of the day..
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.