People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
You Might Also Like
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.