Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Camping tip: No.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

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