Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*