People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
