People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.