@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

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@Ahm76

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

@AbbieEvansXO

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

@FilthyRichmond

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

@BigBec43

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

@AbbieEvansXO

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

@s_rumer18

at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”

@lisaxy424

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

@just1fool

Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.

@HepatitisAtoZ

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*