My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*