People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”