People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
me linking you to my twitter
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”