Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.