@ConcernedSirGuy

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

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@novicefather

I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn’t understand.

I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.

@envydatropic

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

@UnFitz

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

@TheGladStork

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

@Perilandra

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun