TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts
Daughter: What’s a newt?
Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX