@tsm560
I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.
@ConcernedSirGuy
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
You Might Also Like
@tsm560
@McGunnersite
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
@pippydrydocking
*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
@Mikecanrant
When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened
@BoogTweets
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
@AnOrangeSNES
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
@PeaceInTruth1
A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.
@Hellaphantitis
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
@Jaywoo74
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
@TeaAndCopy
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in