I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn’t understand.
I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.
We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart