Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dave_cactus

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@SJSchauer

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

@Crutnacker

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

@KatWar1

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

@Social_Mime

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts

Daughter: What’s a newt?

Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?

@3sunzzz

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

@Sal0630

I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?

@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX