@ConcernedSirGuy

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

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@tsm560

I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.

@McGunnersite

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

@Mikecanrant

When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened

@BoogTweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

@PeaceInTruth1

A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.

@Hellaphantitis

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

@Jaywoo74

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!

@TeaAndCopy

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in