People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.