I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened
Date: so you were married twice before?
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Not using my blinker?
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in