Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Anime is real

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH