People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Anarchy
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler