people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
We like the way Dwight thinks
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Who does Amazon think I am?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!