people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:![]()
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.