people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
You Might Also Like
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
called in thicc to work this morning
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
this is the news I live for
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.