People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
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Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.