Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys I’m going home

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.