Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.