People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia