Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.