Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

A drum solo but on your face.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Yup….perfect score!

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME