People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.