@SirEviscerate

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@Douchekevin

Divorce.

When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.

@causticbob

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@EndhooS

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@RowdyBowden

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus