This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
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Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.
When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus