People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I feel this so hard
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Who did it better?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬