People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
the official breakfast of 2021
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?