People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Your honor these allegations are
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*