@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

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@thecrabbyhook

My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.

@deadstick_ron

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

@XplodingUnicorn

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

@beccafacexo

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING

@samalmightysam

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

@Donnie_Fairburn

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

@clichedout

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

@behindyourback

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn