My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING
You know what really makes me smile?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me: which friend
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn