People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy