Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

no regrets

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.