People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
You Might Also Like
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Every time.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics