People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*