People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I think the cat got the dog high.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive