People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
5 ways to appear taller
