People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
#NeverForget
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.