People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
This is what makes twitter great
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter