People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”