People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.