@dumbbeezie

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

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@dvoted_hubsand

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@Merman_Melville

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

@robdelaney

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

@JackAsHell

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

@BriarSlyMadness

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

@HenpeckedHal

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

@briangaar

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot

@ghostovpiss

what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden

@Rollinintheseat

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.