@dumbbeezie: People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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@TheKegKiller: Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card.
@boring_as_heck: The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like "Ok but only if you're racist too."
@Lhlodder: My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!