Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese