People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Awwwww shit.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.