People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?