People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children