People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
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An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
hey, alexa
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.