Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

As a doctor, I can confirm

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.