people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
it’s finally my moment to shine
Limited budget
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
*hires sky writer*
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