Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

You sure about that?

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning