People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Just organising my finances.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
