People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
#JohnTravolta
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.