Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Perfection.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

I gave up going to work for lent.

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.