People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Holy shit he’s back
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
philosophical skeletons be like
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*