People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
We don’t deserve birds.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…