People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
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My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.