People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
jesus, what did this guy do
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
😩😩😩
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The USS B port
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.