Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all