People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please