Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?