Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.