Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great