People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My time has come.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Just me and my debit card against the world
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.