People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?