People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.