People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
j o i m p
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile