People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours