People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
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New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Pickled cat.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
WHY?!
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.