People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.