People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
R.I.P.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
There is no try. There is only give up.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way